Joe Patrol

Joey Eyebank Ramone inspects another motley batch of CDs

Pilots of the Sixth.
The first song starts with a very catchy twangy, trebled guitar riff before launching into an original piece of music made by a group of 17 year olds. This tune half inches methods of singing and production used by Mick Jones and Joe Strummer, while track 2 features a scarily good impersonation of Pete Doherty. It's on track 3 then that The POTS really find their own voice, combining QOTSA bluesy riffs with the Libertines lyrical word play and a hint of the White Stripes fuzzy earlier stuff. And I know this may cause a massive discussion on the message boards, but I actually think The Pilots are better than the Artic Monkeys! 9/10

The Martha Dump Truck Massacre
I admit they're good musicians but their music is something else! They start with a loud out of tune violin and a dozy voice out of time, before some handclaps join in in the background. I even thought the EP was only 1 track seeing as all the songs sound exactly the same, and why have they sent me a whole Martha Dump Truck biography with the cd? I don't want to know the history of a boring band that I'd never heard of before and wish I still hadn't. 2/10

Napoleon lllrd - Dance to the Radio
Oh no!! Not one of those boring indie bands that NME spread thinly all over their magazines covers! And as well as that, they have some stupid marching army band in the background with cymbals, whiney girly voices and trumpets! One of their songs is called "You Destroy Music" but no, Napoleon lllrd, it is you who destroy music with your crappy mix match of wannabe indie wailing and out of time beats and trumpets. 2/10

Frightened Rabbit.- Music Now
Talk about frightening rabbits, this lot would probably frighten rabid tigers at 100 paces with their fuzzy bad recording. But I shouldn't be harsh, they're probably a bunch of students using home recording, perhaps they recorded this track on their mobiles which were wedged down a flushing toilet at the time. Maybe they have oodles of raging talent and innate genius. Maybe they are the next Big Black. Maybe they are indeed the sound of Music Now. Or maybe I'm talking rubbish. But you just can't hear what the truth is through the poor recording. Note to bands - don't submit stuff to review that doesn't do you justice. 5/10

Ascendia - (a bunch of e.p.s)
With powerful punky melodic, upbeat tunes this bunch of hormonal adrenaline junkies kick the socks of Son of Dork (or Geek or Fishface or whatever the hell they're called.) Ascendia are a very young band with what could be a big future. Comparing their earlier stuff to the more recent recordings, they have definitely improved musically and lyrically throughout their mini rock life! Oi record company execs, stop wasting our time and your money by signing bands like Busted, sign something as fresh and exciting as Ascendia instead! 10/10

Whisky Cats - In This Chair
Despite sounding a bit like the music on the Sims computer game, this is quite interesting and tuneful jazz. When you listen to this you can just imagine a bunch of cats in a smoky lounge bar playing and smooching. However, when you look at the photos of the real band members, they look like something out of Bananas in Pyjamas. Which is a bit of a let down… 6/10

Little Fish - Revolution ep
Although the lyrics are quite meaningful, the singer lacks the ability to add them to any meaningful, ear-grabbing music. Making this dull and dusty. Her voice is a mixture of Dido and K.T Tunstall with an acoustic guitar flicking a few bland chords in the background. 4/10

Indiana Gregg - Something Like Me.
Another Avril Lavigne wannabe, combining Alanis Morrissete's calculated integrity with one of those wimpy choruses that you'd find used by every other commercial pop band. With empty lyrics about love and wishy-washy marriages, this is best avoided like the washing up. 3/10

Biz - Stand By You
Music on Coca Cola adverts is always cheesy! And that's what this is, an artist that did the songs for the Coke adverts [I thought that was Jack White - Ed]. That would be quite a cool job though, making jingles to advertise companies, but don't work for Coca Cola and then don't make us buy the friggin things after we've already paid for them once in the price of our sweet poison. And above all, don't try to hype your cheery tunes songs into the charts! A mixture of Robbie Williams and that annoying guy that sings "had a bad day". 4/10

Joseph Arthur - Even Tho
"This year's best singer songwriter has arrived." Q.
How many other singers and bands have Q voted best of the year? As I took this CD out of my review goodie bag I saw on the front cover a morbid scribbled sketch that a depressed 13 year old would draw, while the fold out booklet was full of praises from Q about Joseph Arthur.
The start of the track sounds like a familiar 80's pop song flowing onto quite a catchy, original melodic tune; although it's quite a cool, relaxing song, it's not really the type of music that most R*E*P*E*A*Tsters would like. 5/10

The Gays - Fire to Feed

With a ridiculous name.

Llike The Gays you wouldn't be surprised if I told you they're crap.

And that's exactly what im gonna say….. They're crap.

With repetitive machine noises and robotic voices, they make McFly look like a rock band. [Steady on now Joey - Ed]

I think I'll feed the fire with their CD. -7/10

Our Sleepwalking Hero
Although the singing and guitars are good, there are no drums in this, which makes it hard to recognise the speed and also makes it very boring, to my ears at least.

And I can understand why it's called out SLEEPwalking hero, as the word sleep takes on a big role in their music, being its major attraction. 3/10

Misterhall - Akabusi is Dead, Long Live Akabus.
Quite a nice rocky tune but it's very common sounding and lacks any real substance. Sounding a lot like Funeral For A Friend with that emo feel, it's still not really the kind of music I would advise FFAF fans to buy. 5/10 (But this site seems to have become one selling timeshares in holiday homes)

The Kitchen- Foreign Objects
Damaged Goods are the perfect example of an underground record label with a fantastic back catalogue of pop-punk talent. In 1990, after they saw the lovable mop tops Manic Street Preachers playing in a pub, they put out the very excellent New Art Riot ep for them. Now the band can re-pay the debt; whenever Damaged Goods looks like going bust, they just re-release the ep.

Although the Kitchen do overdo the effects pedals, as if they've never been let loose in a studio before, they continue the label's pedigree. They are a sort of new wave electronic female fronted contraption, and although this album was first released ages ago, look like being a band with a lot of potential who should help the label re-coup yet more dosh.

Now does anyone know what release will be R*E*P*E*A*T Records' New Art Riot? Answers on a postcard to the usual address please. 8 / 10

Sunshine- Victim Is Another Name For Lover.
I always thought that it was a good thing to have a bit of sunshine in your life.

After listening to this I think id like a lot more darkness, at least until Sunshine change their name!

A mix of Marilyn Manson styled vocals and stupidness and funky bass and fuzzy riffs, with brain drilling dance beats and squeaky voices, this music is ideal for giving you internal head damage... Aaahhh!!! 2/10

Communication Error
This band obviously has a Communication Error with their inability to make any sense in the lyrics. The brilliant brash guitar playing brings life to the annoying drum machine and backing tracks, but there is also a Communication Error with the radio they use. A mix of Sigur Ros and Les Rhythm Digitals with a Funkadelic blues guitar. Interesting in parts but more thought still needed. 3/10

Paisley Riot
This is quite a catchy, poppy, Western style ep, with good tunes and nice guitar solos. However the singer has a habit of trying to sound like a cowboy, which is somewhat annoying. Luckily the guitar parts make up for this. 7/10

Things Found in Sharks
Fuzzed out Fender guitar riffs entwined with tuneful lyrics and catchy bass lines, this is what I've hoped for all night rather that dismal dance tracks. If you have read this review and are curious about the band, then listen to the tracks 'So Hard So Far' and 'Everybody Floats' which mixes metal with indie, making Snow Patrol look like the small cuddly toothless moles they are. 9/10

Stone Soul River- Terra Mama
Sounding like U.F.O or Black Sabbath smeared with the blood of a thousand bearded folkies, cardigans flapping in the wind like white flags, this band has made waves right across the stone soul river. From examining the front cover of the CD, you would expect this to be a bunch of wimpy hippies singing about hugging trees, but once you've pressed play it pumps out of your stereo as loud and as fierce as a punked up gopher. And it won't let go! 10/10

Ellenby - Run Away ep
A Cambridge folk festival band that has probably already played this beard and cardigan institution. Either that, or they are just about to. A mix match of instruments including guitar, drums, harmonica, piano and bongos with a rather plain folky voice. 5/10

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