Hey Ho Let's Joe!

R*E*P*E*A*T's newest and youngest reviewer, Joey Eyebank Ramone, gets his teeth into some CDs.

Dog Men Poets - demo (www.dogmenpoets.com)

I'm not a mathematics sort of person. In fact it's my least favourite subject. However, I listened to this straight after doing my maths homework and I'm afraid I wished I was back doing my maths rather than listening to this stuff!

There's a line between being original and being over-the-top rubbish, and this demo crosses it.

Dog Men Poets are some plonkers from Texas with the fashion sense of a 1970s dopehead hippy singing about their band and their birds. They describe themselves as 'the A Team kidnapped by George Clinton on their way to Mexico'. I'd be surprised if they actually made it to Mexico without being killed for crimes against music.

The only good reviews this lot have got are from Rome and Mexico.

To be honest, I'm not surprised. -5 / 10 (Yes that's minus five out of ten, what a way to start your reviewing career - Ed)

Motley Crue - Red, White and Crue (Mercury)

I never used to like Motley Crue and Anna C's caustic R*E*P*E*A*T review only reinforced my opinions.

However this album changed everything I ever thought of them. It kicks off with a punky metal track, 'Live Wire' and ends with a brilliant Goth Rock number, 'Sick Love Song'. This combines Glam 70s influences with some punk. 7/10

D:models Demo (www.dmodels.co.uk)

Another Blondie wannabe band, but sorry guys there's only one Blondie.

The singing is out of tune, and while they try to be Gothic the only people they'd appeal to is those undergoing a mid life crisis and little girls.

GET A LIFE - and enjoy it, don't hate it! 4/10

The Black Tulips : Just Keep Coming (Pinprick Records)

Do these songs even have a tune?

The singing is good but can the rest of the band even play their instruments at all? All they seem to do is scratch and then smash their guitars.

They claim that their band is witty; I'm not surprised as their music is one big joke! 2/10

Riotmind - Demo (www.riotmind.com)

This solo artist is a bit boring as all he does is twang a few chords while singing with a very bland voice, and all the songs sound the same. However he is trying to be original, mixing cultural music with Depeche Mode and The Pixies.

Being a rocker myself, I would fall asleep during one of Riotmind's live performances. 3/10

The Blue Van : Revelation of Love (TVT Records)

Who are these?! They're some kind of weird mystic 50's rock. The best way I can think of to describe them is to say it's like The Rolling Stones meet a trash can, say 'hello', and then get drunk to produce the end result of drunk Rolling Stones trash can.

There you have it - The Blue Van experience!! 2/10

Distophia : Children Know The Score (Necessary Records)

The first track starts with some annoying shouting over a calm tune, then some kind of melodic sweet tune, and then the shouting starts over again. Every time they scream "Blah blah blah" I want to shout back at them "THAT'S NOT MUSIC, IT'S A DRUNK FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN DOING KARAOKE!"

God help them.

I don't suppose they're religious though… 1/10

[If the band are upset by Joe's review, they simply need to read the title of their own single - Ed]

Clor : Outlines (EMI)

Q: What the hell do you call this?

A: Some kind of irritating dance tune mixed with an out of tune guitar and an electronic drum kit.

It's not original - it's just a mix of The Coral with a luckily long-forgotten 80's dance track which has been smashed up a few times. The final track is called 'Love and Pain' which is appropriate as there's no love of the music, just pain listening to these daggy tracks… 1/10

And if this wasn't bad enough, here's the album as well! Help!!!!

One Life Left - Demo (www.onelifeleft.net)

A mix of Snow Patrol, Killers and a broken-sounding fire siren. Usual old indie music, not very original, perfect for long car journeys… -2/10

Red Star Line : Red.Star.Line (Pronoia Records)

I didn't like the first track of this album, and first impressions are always important…

However as the album progressed, I started to find some tracks I liked, especially 'Rewards For Informers' and 'Centerville'. They show this band to be Brit Pop Rock, with a hint of Motorhead thrown in. The lead guitar playing is excellent, not too Slashy and not too twangy. They also have some very strong messages in their music about prostitution, war and politics. Pick of the bunch then... 9/10

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