MAROON 5- It won't be soon before long
In the past month, I have been bitten by a cat called Proscuttio of all things and ended up in A and E, had my exhaust stolen from my new scooter and was slagged off to the max by this angry man I know (who, incidentally, I hadn't even written a review about!), all of which made me somewhat fed up. And the event that confirms I am now nearing nervous breakdown status is that I was actually girlishly excited to pull Maroon 5's new LP out of my postbag. Did I just say that out loud? Oh well; just as well I didn't have a reputation to start with then.
The fact is that we all know Maroon 5 are generally, if not completely, rubbish. And I should know. I was drunk one night and was admiring the inlay card of their debut, "Songs about Jane" (lead singer, Adam Levine, is HOT, regardless of how crap his band are) and I ended up receiving it for my twenty-sixth birthday. I still haven't actually listened to it in its entirety during the last 18 months but we all know it went on to sell millions of copies worldwide mainly due to a mass exploitation of the female race, despite said singer no doubt being a complete arsehole who, in reality, would make his loyal followers cry yet harder into their cocoa.
So, that said, and having listened to most of this album twice, I fear (I hope?) their success is only going to last as long as their looks. We all know men who use their handsome eyebrows to get what they want, commitment-phobes who tell lies about the women they've slept with, but Mr Levine also has nice eyes and the record company is really playing on this fact (hence the fact he's got rid of the hoodies and sharpened up with a suit to make him yet more supernaturally attractive). Thankfully, even eyes age.
Because, although this is stronger stuff than what I heard of their last release, this brand of unashamed pop, best demonstrated in catchy recent single "Makes you wonder", is hardly going to stand the test of time, apart from to those poor unfortunates like myself who are forced to listen to Cambridge and Ely's Star 107.9 in work hours. No matter how they tried to market that one as a political message about how the world is led today, "I still don't have the reason/And you don't have the time" would only get a reaction from Bush if he was shimmying round the White House to it in his wife's sequinned shift dress. And, being the perfect mix of chart-induced sap and off-your-tits ridicule, who could blame him for taking life a little less seriously (arf, arf)? It's sexy, it's uncomplicated, it's mostly about how shit the opposite sex are and the vocals often sound like Stevie Wonder; again, who cares if it's a load of old bollocks? Get me another WKD!
Personally, I've always been a sucker for poncy cheese now and again
and no-one does it like Maroon 5. You won't admit to liking it but I've
seen you lip-synching every word. On this occasion produced by those
responsible for Gwen Stefani and Madonna, lyrically awful upbeat faux-funk
blends with lots of synth sound effects to standardise their take on
the Top 10 hit whilst "Won't go home without you" sets the
tone for every other slower track that follows (do I really need to
say what "Better that we break" and "Back to your door"
are like?). The whole caboodle being one big break-up song for the mentally
unstable, I know it's wrong but when he crooned "please don't leave/stay
in bed/touch my body instead" in "Little of your time",
I passed out in my own drool. Oh my God; I think I need to go and see