Country Baffled By Princess's Continued Death

'Why Has She Forsaken Us?' Whimper Frightened But Dim Populace

By Yalson.

Deliberately offensive

The nation was once again torn asunder today over the death of Diana, Princess of Wales and alleged Queen Of People's Hearts. Thousands of individuals, none of whom had any specific documented links with the Princess, or indeed had any contact with her at all beyond seeing her image on television, are once again weeping in the streets and speculating with regard to her continued absence from this mortal plane.
It had been thought by experts that the mass public hysteria, hyperbole and Elton John that had been the most distressing features of the aftermath of her tragic death in a 1997 Paris car crash had subsided sufficiently in the intervening six years since her funeral for normal life to continue. However, renewed interest in the circumstances surrounding the accident, following bizarre revelations of a near-paranormal nature by Paul Burrell, her loyal former butler, have led many back to bewildering displays of excessive grief and debate over theories linking her sudden and untimely demise with her equally sudden withdrawal from public life.
"I cannot understand what has happened to her," gasped one London obsessive, summing up the addled thoughts of millions. "I don't believe anyone that beautiful and pure could just disappear. She was an angel and a saint, and as such would have been immune to the effects of any mere car crash."
Such beliefs over the divinity and immortality of the Princess are common, despite their obvious inability to stand up to examination in the cold hard light of a Paris underpass. The idea that Diana is "not dead, merely resting," is a widely held one that continues to persist, even after the internment of the body of the 'People's Princess' on an island in the middle of a lake set in the grounds of her enormous ancestral stately home in Northamptonshire.
"We need her to come back," suggested a Kent resident I spoke to. "There was so much for her still to do, so many problems for her left to solve. I still pray to her for advice, but now I can't see her on the TV, I fear that she can't hear me. But I know she will return one day and help me win the lottery."

Even more offensive

Others are not so hopeful. "It's a conspiracy," one callow Cambridge resident confided. "Diana has been prevented from returning to unite the world in peace by the evil lord Vanquor. He grows strong on the negative energies of the world's population, and so holds her spirit in bondage in accordance with his evil plan to rule the world. All we can do to help her escape is light candles and deposit flowers outside public buildings and cry in an ostentatious manner in well-frequented public places."
Although this is one of the more popular ideas, it is by no means the only one. Different theories abound on the internet, with many chat rooms and forums resounding with speculation on involvement by everyone from the British Royal Family, MI5, the CIA or a shadowy cabal of British aristocracy, through to Islamic extremists, the Russian Mafia and the reincarnated team of Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Booth.
Although some cannot help but focus on the darker possibilities of Diana's passing, other groups have welcomed the return of these mawkish displays of public grief. The British Institute of Florists and Flower Arrangers has reported a 150% increase in the sales of cut flowers to the public by their members over the last two days, both in wreaths and singly, the latter being for individuals to clutch limply in their fists as they bawl like babies all over the country in places that the Princess had probably never even heard of, let alone visited.
Despite this opportunity to vent grief in the company of their peers, however, the question of what to do in the face of the uninterrupted absence from the world stage of Princess Diana remains a vexed one in the minds of many. "I dunno what I'll do if she don't come back," pondered one. "P'raps I might start asking J-Lo or Posh Spice to make stuff better instead."

Home James