The World Is Yours

A magazine is about to print a photo, presumably taken with a long lens from very far away. Sound familiar? Well it should. It's the second time in very recent memory.

I talk of the Royal Couple. His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge and Her Royal Highness Catherine Duchess of Cambridge. Kate and Willy to you and me. Commoner and the one of the Princes that we're absolutely sure was a union between Charlie and Di.

Being a hardcore punk band, hating Royalty seems like some sort of conformist rebellion. So on that note...

The Royal Couple are currently on holiday, it's at least their fourth in the last year, on a private Island costing £19,000 a week. Seriously, the RAF evidently pays well. The status as a private island means that there shouldn't be any photographs from it, however, someone has got one and it's being published tomorrow by the same Italian magazine that showed us the Royal bust. Predictably there is a huge backlash in the media, (ironically by the Daily Mail, who break their "No Paparazzi after Princess Di" pledge everyday), and the usual army of Royalists have been trotted all over TV, Radio and the Internet. This is terrible! Awful! An Invasion of Privacy! Where's the respect?

Let me answer a few things. Firstly if you're a Royal, you have no rights to privacy. None at all. Not only do plebs like me help subsidise your lifestyle, which you are entitled to through a series of dodgy unions, incest and pointless wars over centuries, you also represent me. So with that sorted out, if I want a picture of you, I can have one. I can have one if you're on holiday, walking to a shop, standing naked in a flat or in any other pose. You are entitled to the same privacy I've got. Cameras track me everywhere I walk. My phone gives off a signal showing where I am. My I.P. address is logged whenever I look at anything and Google save my ENTIRE search history. I get fuck all, you get fuck all.

It couldn't be that they were trying to hide the opulence I suppose? As I say, £19k a week. The mansion they are staying in is worth £5 Million. I'm sure I don't need to put this in perspective of the current economic climate but spending £19,000 on a holiday at a time when most people are trying to find £19 to heat a house, keep the electric on and avoid feeding themselves Horsemeat is, well, misjudged at best and a massive Middle Finger Salute to us at worst. There's something properly sickening about watching two highly privileged people, lord it over a struggling nation.

It's all OK if you want it though. That's the thing about the public eye. Publicity is fine when you want it. When you're opening a building, dedicating a statue or just bored and want someone to listen to you. Press are all ears and will no doubt rave about your bravery, your heart, your capacity for understanding and the way you connect with ordinary people. Nothing fills up a slow news day like a Royal event.

But why are we watching? Why are people so attracted to the Royals? I've never seen the point in lusting over something that there is absolutely no chance that you will ever get. They've got all the pie. There is none for you. That was proved when William married a commoner. You know how common she was? Her ancestry includes King Edward III. The fawning over the wedding, the jubilee and this damn baby that's coming is sycophancy on a whole new level. It is not hard being a Royal. Meeting people, supporting charities and making the odd speech is not difficult. Princess Margaret was the first woman to be pickled from the inside. The Queen Mother went through her life thinking that Spritzers were a soft drink. Prince Phillip has the unique ability to insult everyone and everything anywhere ever and have it laughed off because of who he is. This isn't a job open to any old so and so. Imagine the number of applicants if it was? Seemingly endless publicity, adoration, money, respect and even the odd bit of power (The Queen can refuse to sign any law she wants, shame she didn't with the NHS bill).

The bottom line here is it's hard to respect an institution like the Royal Family. It's hard to feel for them when they are so out of touch with a nation they allegedly represent. They are there by little quirks of fate, accidental circumstance and nothing more. In another life, they could have been anyone. They just got the lucky end of wealth, opulence and sloth beyond their wildest dreams.

The final message to Kate is simple. If you didn't want it, you shouldn't have married into it. That and if it's a girl, please don't call it Diana. The Daily Express might actually explode.

Andrew White
Manifest - Follow @thebandmanifest