Country Baffled By Princess's Continued
'Why Has She Forsaken Us?' Whimper Frightened But Dim
The nation was once again torn asunder today over the death of Diana,
Princess of Wales and alleged Queen Of People's Hearts. Thousands of
individuals, none of whom had any specific documented links with the
Princess, or indeed had any contact with her at all beyond seeing her
image on television, are once again weeping in the streets and speculating
with regard to her continued absence from this mortal plane.
It had been thought by experts that the mass public hysteria, hyperbole
and Elton John that had been the most distressing features of the aftermath
of her tragic death in a 1997 Paris car crash had subsided sufficiently
in the intervening six years since her funeral for normal life to continue.
However, renewed interest in the circumstances surrounding the accident,
following bizarre revelations of a near-paranormal nature by Paul Burrell,
her loyal former butler, have led many back to bewildering displays
of excessive grief and debate over theories linking her sudden and untimely
demise with her equally sudden withdrawal from public life.
"I cannot understand what has happened to her," gasped one
London obsessive, summing up the addled thoughts of millions. "I
don't believe anyone that beautiful and pure could just disappear. She
was an angel and a saint, and as such would have been immune to the
effects of any mere car crash."
Such beliefs over the divinity and immortality of the Princess are common,
despite their obvious inability to stand up to examination in the cold
hard light of a Paris underpass. The idea that Diana is "not dead,
merely resting," is a widely held one that continues to persist,
even after the internment of the body of the 'People's Princess' on
an island in the middle of a lake set in the grounds of her enormous
ancestral stately home in Northamptonshire.
"We need her to come back," suggested a Kent resident I spoke
to. "There was so much for her still to do, so many problems for
her left to solve. I still pray to her for advice, but now I can't see
her on the TV, I fear that she can't hear me. But I know she will return
one day and help me win the lottery."
Others are not so hopeful. "It's a conspiracy," one callow
Cambridge resident confided. "Diana has been prevented from returning
to unite the world in peace by the evil lord Vanquor. He grows strong
on the negative energies of the world's population, and so holds her
spirit in bondage in accordance with his evil plan to rule the world.
All we can do to help her escape is light candles and deposit flowers
outside public buildings and cry in an ostentatious manner in well-frequented
Although this is one of the more popular ideas, it is by no means the
only one. Different theories abound on the internet, with many chat
rooms and forums resounding with speculation on involvement by everyone
from the British Royal Family, MI5, the CIA or a shadowy cabal of British
aristocracy, through to Islamic extremists, the Russian Mafia and the
reincarnated team of Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Booth.
Although some cannot help but focus on the darker possibilities of Diana's
passing, other groups have welcomed the return of these mawkish displays
of public grief. The British Institute of Florists and Flower Arrangers
has reported a 150% increase in the sales of cut flowers to the public
by their members over the last two days, both in wreaths and singly,
the latter being for individuals to clutch limply in their fists as
they bawl like babies all over the country in places that the Princess
had probably never even heard of, let alone visited.
Despite this opportunity to vent grief in the company of their peers,
however, the question of what to do in the face of the uninterrupted
absence from the world stage of Princess Diana remains a vexed one in
the minds of many. "I dunno what I'll do if she don't come back,"
pondered one. "P'raps I might start asking J-Lo or Posh Spice to
make stuff better instead."